


Love While You Can

by MusicLurv



Series: The Detour [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Epilogue, F/F, PTSD, happy...?, not angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 02:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10427583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLurv/pseuds/MusicLurv
Summary: Clarke is alive and back, and all Lexa can do is love her. They adjust and life goes on.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Since you all asked so nicely for an epilogue, here you go! All nicely wrapped and hand delivered to your computers/phones. 
> 
> I would seriously advise reading If/Then before this if you haven't already. Otherwise this won't really make much sense.

Lexa had adapted. She had learned to live in her small apartment with her more than acceptable job, taking care of her young son, Aden, all on her own.

She had learned.

Because that's what you did when the love of your life was taken brutally away from you in an act so horrendous that you couldn't even imagine it. And Lexa didn't want to imagine it. Because imagining an attack on the small hospital that her wife was working at while on deployment was just too much to handle.

She kept the news off the TV. She didn't want to see anything that could possibly relate to that attack.

And she had tried to explain to their son what had happened in the best words possible for a little four year old. Of course, he didn't really understand, and Lexa grew more and more frustrated with herself for not being able to explain what happened without crushing his heart more than it already was (not to mention her own heart that barely felt like it was beating anymore). But she tried, and he tried, and he explained to his little friends in wobbly speech that he only had one mommy now and that his other mama wasn't coming home. The other kids would always look at him with confused stares. None of them understood either.

No one could believe in its permanence - in the fact that Clarke _wasn't coming home._

Lexa had tried, though. She'd tried to make their life as good as possible with the hand they were dealt. And she loved Aden with everything left in her (not that that was a lot now that Clarke was--). But every bit of her went to Aden. He was part of her and he was part of Clarke, and she would love him with every breath that this life gave her.

The nightmares were the worst.

Sometimes they weren't even nightmares. They were dreams of Clarke _there_ , in Lexa's arms, telling her how much she loved her and missed her. They were dreams of Clarke playing with Aden in the park, chasing him around with laughter echoing out around them. They were dreams of happiness and joy and peace and _love_.

And then she'd wake up, and that would be gone, and _Clarke_ would be gone. Her heart would stutter and then clench, the ball in her stomach would tighten and expand, she'd curl over on herself and cry until she didn't feel like she had any tears left. Because dreaming of Clarke being alive was worse than staying awake and knowing that she was gone.

But they kept trying, and they kept living as well as they could. Lexa went to work, and Aden went to his little daycare, and life went on. Hours ticked by and days and weeks and months, and they _tried_.

But then she didn't have to try anymore because Clarke was _here_ , and Clarke was _in her arms_ and she wasn't dead. She was _alive_. A little (a lot, Lexa would find out later) worse for wear, but she was alive and back home and her son wasn't living without his mama and her wife wasn't living without her heart anymore.

And Lexa would be damned if she let go of Clarke any time soon.

"Baby, we should probably get up," Clarke said gently. They were still sitting on the ground in the middle of the park. Well, Clarke was sitting on the ground. Lexa was sitting on her and Aden was squished between them, giggling happily now that he had both of his mommies with him again.

Lexa just shook her head, burying her face in Clarke's neck and just breathing her in, because _she was here_. And this wasn't just another nightmare that Lexa was going to wake up from in a few minutes, finding herself alone in their bed and lost in a cold sweat. This was real. This was _real_. _This was real_.

She was vaguely aware of their friends joining them at some point, offering to take Aden and go play with him so that Clarke and Lexa could talk.

Neither Clarke nor Lexa let up their hold on him. They were a _family_ again, and nothing was going to tear them apart right now. Not even the extended family that was their friends. Aden belonged with Clarke and Lexa right then, not with the wonderful, wonderful friends that they had.

(Lexa realized in the back of her mind that they must have known Clarke was coming home. And she couldn't decide whether she should be angry or thankful that they had surprised her with this. Because it's _Clarke_ , and she's back home. She's alive. She's alive. She's _alive_.)

"I thought I lost you," Lexa finally mumbled, her fingers gripping at Clarke's jacket. She felt Clarke lean more into her, her lips pressing against the crown of Lexa's head.

"I thought you lost me too, for a while there," she admitted.

"Mama's not lost, Mommy. She's right here," Aden said with a grin up at Lexa that told her he couldn't believe how silly she was being right then. Because Clarke _wasn't_ lost. She was here, and she was found, and she was safe in Lexa's arms, holding on to her wife and her son like her own life depended on it.

Clarke carded her fingers through Aden's hair (hair that was longer than it should have been, but Lexa hadn't had time to cut it recently). "No, Mama's not lost. I'm right here, kiddo."

And Lexa was almost afraid to ask, but she still did. "What happened?" Her voice shook and her fingers trembled, and Aden was looking between them, knowing something serious was being talked about, but not quite getting it all.

Clarke just shook her head. "Later. Right now... can we just _be_ for a bit?"

Lexa, though she did want to know (and her curiosity was almost killing her, but remembering how she had been walking around like the walking dead for close to a year made that curiosity die down quickly), agreed. She leaned more of her weight against Clarke, making her wife (her amazing, living, breathing wife) fall back into the grass. Lexa fell to lay beside her, her head resting on Clarke's shoulder, and Aden on Clarke's chest. Clarke's arms wrapped around them both, holding them close, and Lexa hugged them to her tightly as well. Because they were all together again and she wasn't going to let either of them go ever again as long as she had breath in her lungs and a heartbeat in her chest.

Aden chattered happily when both Clarke and Lexa fell silent, telling Clarke about all that she had missed since she left. He told her how he'd taken care of Mommy and how she sometimes got really sad, and he got sad, too. But he had a lot of friends that would play with him to make him happy. And sometimes Mommy would even play with him and laugh, and those were his favorite times. And Clarke nodded along happily, her eyes darting between her son and her wife repeatedly.

Lexa couldn't stop staring at Clarke, her fingers skimming along any part of her that she could reach, feeling the warmth that proved she was alive.

*****

They eventually made it home (after a lot of cajoling on their friends' parts).

Lexa would have been content to lay in Clarke's arms for the rest of her life. She didn't care if it was on the ground of the park or on a subway train or in their apartment. She just wanted to be _with Clarke._

"Aden's finally asleep," Clarke said, walking into their bedroom. "He didn't want to lay down, though. Said he wanted to sleep with us." She chuckled a little sadly, looking back over her shoulder toward Aden's room longingly. And Lexa knew Clarke would have let him sleep with them if it wasn't _that night_. She'd give Aden anything he asked for, and it hurt to let him go after so long, but he was right there, and Lexa was in their bed waiting for her. And Lexa knew that Clarke knew they needed to be alone and together that night. No matter how much they both longed for Aden to be with them.

Lexa almost burst into tears again, because she _never_ thought she'd see her beautiful wife walking through their apartment again. But there she was, walking toward the bed. Sitting on her usual side and kicking off her shoes as if she had just done so the day before. And then she was turning to look at Lexa over her shoulder with that soft smile that always made Lexa just _melt_.

And, _damn_ , Lexa was crying again. Not that anyone could blame her because her wife was back from the dead and she was a walking miracle. And Lexa would cry if she damn well pleased because this was real and her heart was mending and coming back together after being shattered over and over again.

"Oh, baby," Clarke called softly, quickly turning and climbing fully on the bed to lay alongside Lexa and pull her into her arms. She took Lexa's hand and placed it over her heart, and Lexa could feel the calming _thump-thump_ 's of Clarke's heart beating steadily under her palm. "It's oaky, Lex. It's okay."

Lexa shook her head and pushed impossibly closer to Clarke. "I can't believe you're actually _here_."

"But I am. I'm here, and I'm holding you. And I'm not leaving you again." She peppered kisses everywhere she could reach, raining her love onto Lexa, making up for all the days lost between them.

Lexa sniffled and tried to nod, but she could still barely believe that this wasn't a dream. She'd had so many dreams of Clarke coming home - of Clarke walking through the door with her bright, happy laugh lighting up the whole room. And then she'd always wake up and Clarke wouldn't be there, and what was left of Lexa's heart would shatter all over again.

"What--"

Clarke shushed her before she could finish her question. She always knew what Lexa was thinking about. She had always had that uncanny ability to just _know_. "We can talk about that tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to hold you. Please?"

So Lexa just nodded, not having it in her to argue with Clarke after just getting her back. She didn't really know if she could handle knowing right then anyway. Tomorrow would do.

*****

"They needed a doctor," Clarke said, sitting down opposite Lexa at their dining room table. She set a cup of coffee down in front of Lexa, her own gripped tightly in her left hand. Aden had been dropped off at daycare (with much yelling on his part because _Mama just got home!_ ). "They needed a doctor badly, and came to the hospital to find one."

"But... I saw the report. There was nothing left. The entire building--"

Clarke nodded. "I know. I saw it. Well, I felt it, more accurately. The last thing I remember from that day is the building shaking and rubble falling, and then just a heavy weight and darkness."

Lexa gripped at her mug, hoping that the warmth of it would stop the shaking of her hands. She barely felt like she could breathe. Because imaging Clarke like that - stuck under rock and mortar and who knew what else - it was almost too much.

"The hospital didn't have an accurate count of patients. So, when they started recovering bodies and didn't find a single person still breathing..." she trailed off and sighed. Lexa knew the weight of being the only survivor was heavy on her shoulders. As a doctor, it was engrained in Clarke's every instinct to save and protect. So to find herself as the only one left... "They assumed everyone died. They hadn't seen the Jeep driving away shortly after the bombs went off."

"And you were..."

Another nod. Clarke looked down at her mug, eyes staring unseeingly at the warm coffee inside. "It was rough. They weren't kind. And if I couldn't save someone that they wanted saved, couldn't provide the miracle they were expecting... Well, let's just say there were consequences." She cringed a little as her finger traced a new scar on her forearm.

They fell into silence, and Lexa didn't want to imagine what Clarke had gone through. But as she looked over what exposed skin that she could see, there were innumerable new scars. Even some cuts that had yet to completely heal. Angry red welts and swelling still lingered.

She wanted to reach out and caress every new mark, kiss every new pain. She wanted to take some of that weight away from Clarke. Bear it on her shoulders so Clarke wouldn't have to.

But not yet. She had to hear the rest first.

Clarke took a deep breath, shaking off whatever memory she had found herself lost in for a moment. And then she bit out a scoff. "They didn't expect a similar attack to befall them. A rebel group, trying to get medicine for their own people. They were brave, and so outnumbered. But they caused enough of a distraction for me to get away while I was working my second day straight. And I ran. As fast as I could. But I was so exhausted, Lex. I could barely keep one foot moving in front of the other." She looked up and met Lexa's eyes for the first time since starting her story. "But I thought of you and Aden, and I knew I had to keep going. I had to see you again. I couldn't let you think I was dead. And I couldn't _actually_ die on you. I promised you I'd make it back."

Lexa slid out of her chair, moving around the table to kneel beside Clarke. She coaxed Clarke's hands from around her mug and brought them down into Clarke's lap, where she held them gently. She didn't want to cause Clarke any more pain, and she didn't know where all it hurt. But she knew she couldn't see all of the pain. So much of it wasn't physical.

But she _would_ help her. She'd be there for Clarke in whatever ways Clarke would let her be. In whatever way she needed her.

"I left them all behind. The rebels, the ones who took me in the first place... my own team. I just left them."

"You had no choice."

"We always have a choice."

Lexa looked up to try to meet Clarke's eyes only to find Clarke already looking directly back at her.

"I chose you. And if I had to go through that a thousand times over again, I'd choose you every time."

Lexa leant down and pressed a kiss to Clarke's knuckles, lingering there as Clarke gathered her thoughts. "I love you," she murmured against Clarke's skin, barely above a whisper.

Clarke's fingers tightened around hers before going slack in her hold again. "It took a while, but I was finally able to find a small town. They helped me get in touch with the people I needed to. Helped me find a way back to the states. I've been stuck in a hospital for monitoring for a couple of weeks now." She chuckled humorlessly. "Ironic that the doctor ended up in the hospital, isn't it?"

"Why didn't you call me? Why didn't _they_ call me?"

Clarke cringed at that. "I asked them not to tell you until we were sure I _was_ coming back. I didn't want something to happen just to make you go through everything all over again."

"But Raven? Octavia? You told both of them but not me?" She knew she sounded hurt, and probably slightly angry, but she felt she had a right to. Because her _wife_ was back in the states for _weeks_ , and no one told her.

Clarke shook her head adamantly. "I told Raven two nights ago. She must have told Octavia. And only that I was coming back and wanted them to get you out to the park where we first met. I thought--"

"You thought the grand gesture was more important than me just knowing that you were _alive_?" Lexa challenged. "I could have had you in my arms _two weeks earlier_ , but you wanted to do something bigger?" She glared for a second longer, watching Clarke squirm a little. But then her scowl dropped into an accepting grin and she shook her head. "And people say I'm extra."

"To be fair," Clarke said with a sheepish little smile, "you couldn't have actually joined me. I was on lock-down until I was able to be debriefed."

Lexa raised a challenging brow. "For two weeks?"

Clarke nodded. "Promise. I would have come home immediately if I could have."

After staring thoughtfully at Clarke a moment longer, Lexa finally just decided to let it go. For now. Because she had Clarke back, and no matter how long that took, she was still there and she was home, and Lexa could touch her and love her. She could feel her heart beating in her chest again.

She felt _whole_ again.

"You're lucky I love you," Lexa said teasingly (her voice definitely _didn't crack._ No way. Because she _wasn't_ trying to keep the tears at bay again).

Clarke knew, though. She knew what that tremble in Lexa's voice meant, and her entire countenance melted into content comfort. She smiled softly down at Lexa before tugging on her hands and making her climb into Clarke's lap.

"This doesn't hurt?" Lexa asked, brow scrunched in concern. She looked Clarke over as if she'd be able to see any injury that could possibly be irritating Clarke right at that moment. "Oh god. Did I hurt you yesterday? I didn't even think that you would be hurt. Shit. I hurt you, didn't I? I can't believe you didn't say--"

Clarke shut her up the best way imaginable.

And maybe Lexa started crying again, but Clarke's lips were on her's, and she could finally feel Clarke again.

They were both _alive_.

*****

There were arguments. And a lot of therapy and talking things out.

They had to figure out how to work with each other again. How live together again. Lexa had believed Clarke was dead for so long that adjusting to having her back in her life was difficult.

And Clarke... well, Clarke was struggling.

More often than not, their nights were interrupted with nightmares. Yelling and thrashing followed by whimpers and tears. Lexa could usually get Clarke to wake up, get her to come back to reality. But then there were nights where Clarke was so lost, so far gone in her dreams, that Lexa just had to wait it out and make sure she didn't hurt herself with her thrashing. Those were the worst nights. They were the nights that Clarke would gasp into consciousness, eyes darting around and arms raised in defense. She'd flinch from any touch, even after realizing she was back at home.

Lexa hated it.

She hated that she could do nothing to help Clarke escape from those nightmares - those memories that haunted her every time she closed her eyes. She could do nothing but be there for her, and wait for Clarke to come back to her, finally letting Lexa offer what comfort she could.

While Lexa was at work, Clarke started reintegrating into life at home. She brought and picked Aden up from daycare. She went to required meetings that she couldn't get out of attending. She hung out with friends when they were available. She took care of things around their apartment. She went to meet with a therapist and a support group. She was _trying_ to get better.

But sometimes it was just too hard, and Lexa could see Clarke collapsing in on herself. She could see her being dragged back into the memories of months past, of tortures Lexa couldn't imagine. There were times when Clarke would sit alone for hours, staring at nothing, her eyes almost lifeless as scenes she lived out ran across her mind. There were days when Clarke would say barely more than a word, too far in her memories to be reached.

Sometimes, though, Clarke was just Clarke. She was back to how she was before being sent off to war. She was all laughs and jokes and teasing. She was hugs and kisses and tickling. She was stubborn and loving and _happy_.

Lexa loved every part of her. The happy and the sad and the angry. Because _this_ Clarke, the one that she was watching color with Aden at their dining room table, was _her_ Clarke. Scars and all.

"Alright, loves," Lexa said with a little clap of her hands. Not too loud. Never too loud. Because sometimes Clarke would jump up, ready to defend at any loud and unexpected sound. "Time to get cleaned up. Dinner's almost ready."

Aden whined dramatically. "But, _Mommy_. Mama was just showin' me how to draw the puppy."

Lexa noted the little cringe that Clarke made at that, though she kept an innocent smile on her face. "We can finish up later, A. Go get washed up," Clarke said, helping Aden out of his chair and nudging him toward the bathroom.

"The puppy?" Lexa asked, coming over to help Clarke clean up the table. Clarke smiled sheepishly at her.

"I was going to talk to you about that."

Lexa just quirked a brow, waiting for Clarke to continue on her own.

Clarke took the loose papers and crayons from Lexa, placing them on the counter and out of the way. "Aden may have heard the tail end of a conversation I was having with my therapist on the phone today."

"Did you have another attack?" The panic attacks had lessened as the months went on. But when they did happen, it was always enough to put Clarke out of commission for a while.

Clarke shook her head. "No. She called about something we had talked about in previous sessions. About... a service dog," she finished, the statement coming out as more of a question than a fact.

"She wants you to get a service dog?" Lexa asked. She patted Clarke's seat, silently asking her to sit down as she took the seat next to her. Clarke did, though a little hesitantly. "Why didn't you mention this earlier?"

Clarke shrugged like a rebuked child, looking down at the table. "It wasn't set in stone yet. And I didn't want to stress you with the idea of having to take care of a dog."

Lexa reached out, placing her hand on Clarke's on the table. "Clarke, look at me." Clarke looked up at her slowly. "You don't ever need to keep something from me out of worry of stressing me out, alright? If your therapist think getting a service dog will help you, then we'll get a service dog. We'll get whatever you need."

"It's a lot of responsibility. It'll take some getting used to, having him around the apartment."

"We'll adjust."

Clarke smiled shakily up at her, turning her hand over to hold Lexa's. "His name's Beau."

Lexa quirked her head to the side, slightly startled with that information. "She's already had one picked out?"

"I've actually gone to work with him a few times this past month... they wanted to make sure we'd be a good fit before they actually set me up with him." Clarke looked down at their hands guiltily. "Uhm..." she started hesitatingly. "They want me to bring you and Aden next time. To make sure he knows you both before I bring him into an environment where he'd be around both of you a lot."

"That makes sense," Lexa said simply. She gave Clarke's hand a reassuring squeeze before standing up to go get their dinner from the kitchen. "When are we going to meet him?"

Clarke stared after her, eyes wide with surprise. "Wait. That's it?"

"Were you expecting something else?" Lexa asked, carrying in plates for them. "I already told you, we'll do anything that will help you. And if Beau will help you, then I guess we're getting a new family member."

Clarke's jaw dropped as she stared up at Lexa in awe. "You--" She cut herself off with a little shake of her head. And then she was standing up and stepping over to Lexa and pulling her into a thankful (and incredibly tight) hug. She pressed her face against Lexa's neck, and Lexa didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around her slightly shaking wife. "You're amazing. I love you." She pulled back slightly and pressed her lips to Lexa's. "I love you so much, Lexa Griffin-Woods."

Lexa smiled softly, cupping Clarke's jaw. "I love you too, Clarke."

*****

Their little family grew.

Beau joined them less than a month after Clarke first told Lexa about him. He bonded with Aden and Lexa immediately, and integrated into their home easily.

Now, more often than not, Beau was at Clarke's side at any given time of the day. When Lexa would come home in the evenings, she'd usually find Clarke, Aden and Beau cuddled up together on their couch, watching some cartoon or reading together. Aden loved listening to Clarke read to him. She always did the voices that Lexa couldn't get _quite right_.

And they were happy. There were still scars that had yet to heal fully, and they still had to learn how to adapt. But they were happy, and they had each other.

They were a family. Clarke and Lexa and Aden and Beau.

Later, little Jake would join them, and Aden would teach his new baby brother how their little family worked. Jake would gurgle and laugh and kick his little feet, and they all loved every bit of him.

And when Lexa walked in after a long day of work, she was happy. Because she walked in their home and there was Clarke, still in her clothes from work, asleep on the couch with Aden and Jake curled up on her, Beau laying protectively on the floor next to them.

This was her family. This was her home. They were all alive and living and growing together.

And the little smile that Clarke gave Lexa when she sleepily opened her eyes, warmly accepting the kiss Lexa leaned in to give her... well, that was worth everything.

**Author's Note:**

> There you go! This series is done! You all can come up with what comes next. Seeing as this was supposed to just be If/Then and not have an epilogue, it's already gone further than I was planning. But it was fun to explore their life after everything that happened in that one. So thanks for requesting this epilogue! 
> 
> Also, if you liked this story, go check out my other work, The Dewey Decimal System is Not That Hard. It's my baby, and it's long and fun and a good time. Promise. No almost deaths and no really traumatic things. Just a bunch of fluff and a bunch of relationship growth. The writing style is quite different as well, so you'll get to see that, too. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are seriously my writer's lifeblood. They give me breath. So please leave some for me. I really appreciate it (though if you don't like this, don't leave kudos. Don't lie about it.) If you have any requests for new fics moving forward or any questions about this one, please leave those behind too.
> 
> You can also find me on tumblr @musiclurv . We can chat there or you can do some requests or just follow me. Whatever floats your boat.
> 
> See ya later!


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